I caught myself today thinking something after iki reminded me that I have a FFRPG session on Sunday. It is something that I had wondered if and when I'd ever think.
"Oh yeah, I have to do that chore."
When something that is meant to be fun is no longer fun, it should stop as soon as possible.
I am quitting all campaign giving for at least three months, starting at latest the end of chapter 8 (if I can even manage to get through this chapter). I'm going back on what I said about there being any more - most likely there won't be. In fact, chances are that I won't ever run a campaign again under ANY system.
I'm sorry - I can't do it anymore.
After GMing a campaign for more then a year, things that I had initially thought of myself were thought to be proven false towards the start.
I guess I was just fooling myself.
I find making adventures a chore. Most of them are boring because I have to tie it in with prior adventures, have to start where the other left off and advance through something. That isn't for me. Heck, even making single adventures is somewhat boring to me most times.
All I want to do is make characters and play characters. Yes, I get enjoyment from playing NPCs when GMing, but.... the rest of it kinda drags it down.
I never claimed to be a good GM. A lot of people say I'm not too bad, but... I don't think I'm a good GM personally. A good GM needs something that I don't have - a love of creating adventures.
There are times that I actually enjoy creating an adventure. The last one that occured for the FFRPG was approximately 8 months ago. All of my good adventure ideas are never used. Why? Because the 'plot' of the campaign wouldn't make any sense with the adventure. The adventure is kinda like a 'single adventure campaign' - or as what I refer to as a random insanity adventure. Oddly enough, some of those HAVE been in the online FFRPG campaign... but every single one of them was avoided by the characters. You know all of those neat little cities in the game that all you really did was shop? Yeah, there were at least 12 adventures per city in those towards the beginning. Eventually I stopped trying - why bother when the players wouldn't do it anyways? They want more of the plot... something that I don't want.
I try to make sidequests, and I get characters doing nothing but wanting (insert end goal here) as fast as possible - even when there isn't any time pressures. That isn't really the players' faults. It is mine. The way I make the adventures, that IS what would logically happen. That is the problem.
I suck at making adventures. What would be optimal would be having multiple GMs - I can create any NPC you want in most systems you want. I can give a neat background and all. Heck, I can even RP as that NPC - but I don't want to make an adventure most times.
The two biggest reasons why I can't do it any more:
1) Not enough people substituting for my GMing online. This is the biggest reason. Yes, *now* there are more people, and I think that is awesome... but it is one of those "too late" things. I've ran out of good adventure ideas, and it takes me a long time to think of them. Related to this....
2) It takes me a very long time to come up with adventure ideas. Not in actual time.... I can write up an adventure in 10 minutes really. The long time comes from me thinking of an idea to begin with.
3) (yes, I know I said two biggest reasons, but this is a third and now major one) I don't want to. Period. This is a chore for me now - something that was originally meant to be fun for all of us. Remember that all part? Yes, it is still fun for all of my players, but... it isn't for me. In fact, I'm starting to dislike it quite a bit.
I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get through this chapter. It is exponentially more and more difficult for me to do one of these - and it is always harder doing something you don't like to do then something you do like to do.
If any of my players want to create a campaign in any world (including my FFT world and even a new world) and any system that I'm familiar with, I'd be glad to help with worldbuilding and NPC creation. Just don't ask me to make adventures. I'll stick to what I like doing for now - making worlds, making characters, and playing characters.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 18:18
You know, it would be nice if life worked the way you expected... or even anywhere near what you expected... or even just something pleasant.
Things remind me of other things, and I feel down about it. I can't though - I have to look up at my future....
.... getting a degree that noone wants anymore because of the mistakes of those in the past who screwed everything up for me.
.... in a place where people want the highest profit levels possible, while simutaneously screwing over their employees, the product, the consumers, AND the marketplace.
.... in a world where people stopped being nice to eachother and stopped caring.
What is the point of being optimistic if there is nothing to look up TO?
"There is a sucker born every minute." - PT Barnum
This is a phrase that should have never entered society. In fact, it has gone so far as to dictate to the world how business should be run - and this is wrong. If *everyone* tried to put in their best effort to have a honest business whose goal is not to produce maximum profit but to produce maximum value from a consumer end while at the same time maximum value to the community around them, the world would be a better place. I'm not stupid and naieve enough to believe that it would happen; it is a dream. However, it is a nice one at least.
Those of this world who decided to take part in the US's ".com movement" have ruined it for others who try to tread behind them. I can't go to a tech company's "human resources" (yet another demeaning term to the employees. See the above paragraph) without hearing the phrases, "So when did the company you last worked for failed?", "What was your .com salary?", and "we want to put you on salary so we can possibly get a little overtime occasionally....". These phrases aren't even asked of me however. Why? I was born too late. I was born in an age of technology... that noone but those born in it seem to understand completely. Yes, that is an exaggeration - lots of people born before my time understand the technology as well as I do as an example, but I'm talking society as a whole. In any case, lots of these 'management' or 'marketing' or 'business ++' people come in and analyze the pure living crap out of everything everyone does and tries to make the maximum profit on it. This usually fails. However, there was one notable time when this was actually successful - the .com boom.
Marketing types thought they finally had it figured out - give those with good ideas lots of money, and they will herd in the cash in return. No, this isn't a smart idea, and this is avoided now. However, there is one key to this. Someone, somewhere, decided to take one of these money-soaking sponges and trim it. It ended up turning a profit, so immediately everyone tried throwing money at something in order for it to expand, then trimming.
... yeah. They trimmed up the future. See, these marketing types (generalizing, yes, I know, I'm ranting; deal) took something that worked somewhere and tried to apply it everywhere. That is ALWAYS a bad idea! Come on, any third rate CS major can tell you that one. However, they are STILL trying to apply this concept. "Layoffs" are the easiest way to cut expenses. That much is correct. What they don't get though is that it also cuts profits, quality of product, as well as the employee morale AND the community surrounding the business.
All of this caused ire in an employer's eye towards us CS majors. We were the ones that they threw money at to begin with in their eye, therefore we are the problem. So when an employer asks people if they were in the .com boom, for some reason in their minds the whole fiasco slips their minds and they hire whoever was paid the most during the boom. Why? Simple. They haven't learned their lesson. They are trying to apply 'herd mentality' marketing towards a dynamic environment.
All of this causes those who are a part of said dynamic environment (read: Me.) to get screwed.
... that sucks.
Wow, I have no idea what I was going to rant to start, but definitly not what I ended with. Oh well! :)
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:56
Wheee! Morning, the time that exists before afternoon and after night!
At least I'm well rested from last night and all... but still I'm in some pain (head, fingers, places like that), and I get the sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be asked to help clean up after the wedding.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 07:33
Well... I was definitly the party pooper of that wedding.
I hate my body. What happens after I get ready to start taking the video? Migraine. Very very very bad one. To the point where I had the top half of my vision blurred and everything blurred at a distance. On top of that, later on, my pyrophobia decided to be a bastard to me and strike, causing me not to be able to walk much outside.
Ye gods, I feel like such a moron... and I didn't do anything.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 21:42
Mood: Perplexed. This is a result of the prior day's events. Deal.
Why is it that when people come to visit you, the following usually happen:
1) You go out of your way to accompany them.
2) They tell you not to go out of your way to accompany them.
3) You plan on doing something.
4) They don't want to do anything.
5) Nothing goes to plan.
6) They say that everything was perfect.
7) Everything is crazy.
8) They say that they have never been so relaxed.
None of that makes sense to me. I don't understand what the fuss is about a lot of things really... like weddings. Yeah, I know it is the bride and groom's special day, but isn't marriage itself an ancient custom that is rather outdated to begin with? If it is, what is the point of spending a lot of money (that many people don't have) on things that will last....... one day.
I shouldn't live in this world - I think too much.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:57
Bored and tired. I'm going to sleep.
Yeah, I'm going to end up updating this thing a lot more often now. Why? Well, it works with Moz now, so that is a plus... and I don't want to puke every time I look at it... another plus....
... yeah... maybe I'll actually become un-lazy and update my personal site (or even update my keen FAQ)!....
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 21:18
Bleh. In a bad mood. Stay away from me tomorrow morning, as I'm not going to be a nice person then most likely. >_>
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:50
My body is exhausted. I feel like I ran a marathon, switched afterwards to swimming across the Atlantic Ocean, stopping in the Sargasso Sea to fight off a few sharks then continuing to land in France.
What did I do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
I hate my body. I want a new one. Come on, there HAS to be a good deal for a new body somewhere, right?
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 19:18
New Blogger >>>>> Old Blogger. :)
Anyways, lets see, what is going on.... busy as anything preparing for the wedding of a friend-of-the-family. Going insaner with the FFRPG stuff since it seems noone can even make a time that I can... looking to cancel next week's game most likely.
Thinking about it more and more, the less I want to even think about the FFRPG. Period. At all. This is usually a sign telling me I've burnt out. I had predicted it taking longer - I guess my estimates were wrong.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 09:13
Yeah, it is nice to finally play as a PC online.... but I'm not cut out to be Evil GM once per week. Even if I have nice ideas and all.... it just doesn't work out. I end up realizing that there are huge caping holes in things, I cringe, and I don't end up having any fun whatsoever. That wears someone out pretty quickly if they do it once per week for a few hours straight.
Too bad I'd be lynched by a certain person (heck.. I'd be lynched by multiple people really now... FFRPG is addicting I take it. :P) if I took a break.
Then comes the other problems... I can't make any more NPCs. Quite literally, I have dozens and dozens - around 100 NPCs total... each for different areas, different tasks... barely ever use most of them... but it dawned on me awhile ago - I've done everything. You just can't MAKE NPCs (or PCs for that matter) that can do [insert task here]. The 2.1e FFRPG system is too limited for it. The lack of a real multiclassing system hinders that to an extreme that I do not believe the developers realize... yes, I have one for my campaign, but that is starting to have huge problems too.
As an example, I have the healer of DOOM! in my party that the only way anything is even a real threat to ANYONE is if they do damage that can't be healed. Sorry Nashira, but you are one of the huge reasons why I'm being burnt out. What is the point of going from point A to point B through someplace that is supposed to be "Hellishly Difficult" if nothing is difficult?
Kumoku and Dralion also give me problems. The two of them are both fighter based classes, but Kumoku clearly out damages Dralion by an incredibly high margin - even though Dralion has more strength and the same DC. Not Kumoku's fault, and not Dralion's fault. Heck, neither of them are even multiclassed...
Then there are Trilanyth and Teranova. The characters themselves give me huge problems because of their seemingly easily crushed bodies. Anything I throw out to make Nashira have a challange... no... Kumoku even have a ... I take that back. Even Dralion. If I throw out a monster that I feel would be on Dralion's level (who is around average party level at the moment), Kumoku would kill it in one hit, Nashira would heal the damage back in one instant without a problem unless if Trilanyth was hit - then he'd be knocked unconscious. Teranova is the same really. It isn't the characters' faults... it is the system.
Now I'm wishing that I didn't say that I'd do another chapter. I really don't want to deal with this system anymore. It causes ME too many headaches. The characters have become unweildy in the case of Nashira and Kumoku, and the game too difficult for Teranova and Trilanyth. Dralion could handle it - he seems to be about right in power level and actual level oddly enough... of course, part of the reason for that is that he has next to no actual 'combat' experience - only experience before becoming a PC and a little bit from after.
Currently I'm leaning towards using D&D 3e for any other adventures. I'm sorry... the FFRPG isn't working out for me as a GM. I'm not going to quit now..... but I'm not going to be able to take too much more of this. This is mainly for my players (especially since only #asr people really ever see this blog. :P)
The FFRPG (2.1e - 3e is better on this) is inherently unbalancing. It is unbending (which is good and bad - in this case, the bad has finally outweighed the good). Unmoving. Yes, the GM still rules on the decision.... but what does that mean if there are no rules whatsoever on the territory that the GM treads? Normally, that isn't a problem... but to use the FFRPG - even 3e - the GM would need to tread those rules, or else have a boring campaign. I refuse to use the "because the GM said so and that's final" method of doing anything. If a NPC can do it, theoretically so could a PC given enough time.
If my PCs are wondering why I bothered messing with the battle system, it is this: In my mind, I thought that I wouldn't be as burnt out if the battles were shorter, as the battles are incredibly boring to me. I was wrong. In reality it makes me burnt out more because the battles become a nuisance. They shouldn't be. There should be danger EVERY battle assuming opponents are at the proper power and intelligence. The only reason why this last battle was difficult was because of the mistake in strategy (which is fine - this is what is SUPPOSED to make things hard) and because you can't heal wounds from KSpirits' normal attacks without rest. That is the only effective nerf on healer/chemist powers that I have found thus far... I obviously won't do that often and only with these enemies, but.... so far it is the only thing that makes anything even challenging.
I've come to the conclusion: Without 'cheating' sort to speak, if the party isn't worn out by the end of the first round, it won't lose. Regardless of the enemy. Regardless of their level.
Here is the approximate power levels I'm treating each character right now in combat. Been treating them this way for awhile, adjusting for actual level ups. This is c/ped from my notes by the way.
Falcon - Level 59 (inactive)
Nashira - Level 47
Cecil - Level 47 (He is a level 40 NPC. I made him based on the highest power level of the characters in the current party)
Kumoku - Level 38
Stoney - Level 30 (inactive)
Dralion - Level 30
Teranova - Level 23
Trilanyth - Level 22
Falcon was one of the big problems - too powerful of a character. Now the problem is Nashira. Lets take a look at out of combat and general usefulness on levels. Again, c/ped from my notes.
Nashira - Level 59
Falcon - Level 45
Cecil: Level 42
Kumoku - Level 33
Dralion - Level 30
Teranova - Level 28
Trilanyth - Level 26
Stoney - Level 22
Do you see the problem now? Don't believe me? Take this example:
In FFT, how much could a white mage heal at level 59 using Cure2? Nashira, how much can you heal now? Now combine this with MP restoring. Add in the fact that you don't spend MP. See my point now?
Beyond all of that... comes the restrictions of the FFRPG itself. Regardless of edition. Compare it to D&D 3e as an example.
FFRPG has more classes, but is less diverse. Huh?
It is true. As an example, I can think of a character idea incredibly quickly - I do, often. 0.001% of those work in the FFRPG. 99% work in D&D. 99% work in Anime Roleplaying. Heck, 95% would work in GODLIKE even. I'm just talking concept.. not power. In the FFRPG, "M" would be impossible. You couldn't make a sneaky mage that used sneaky underhanded tricks and fooled everyone constantly, killing those in his way when he feels like it and rescuing others when he feels like it. You'd have a rather inept Black Mage trying to put points in stealth and awareness instead. The personality isn't there then. You can't make up spells yourself. You can't make magic items as a PC (engineers can make inventions, but that isn't truly the same). Another example. Gnome - Summoner that is obsessed with guarden Gnomes. He is an Anime RPG character. In Godlike he'd have a superstat in command and mind, lots of skillpoints in gardening and carving, and project hallucinations constantly along with creating physical manifestations. In D&D, he'd be summoning creatures that look NOTHING like what they actually are constantly. In the FFRPG... he'd... be... a summoner . . .
All right, maybe I'm going too extreme. Lets get a basic character mentality.
A woman (human female) who is a hybrid spy/gymnist. She sneaks around, gets her way with everything, flaunting her beauty in every opportunity but never truly using it - just blackmailing with it. She barely escapes danger at every turn with her low body health but makes up for that by pure agility.
In the Anime RPG system, that would be somewhat normal. In Godlike, we'd have someone with high Body, Cool, and Command stats with mind control like abilities. D&D, we have a Rogue/Bard/Thief-Acrobat or Spymaster that is Chaotic Neutral with high charisma, dex, and int. Low Con, but she can easily dodge things from her dex and leather armor. In the FFRPG we'd have a thief with Beauty as an adva- wait, they removed that. We'd have a thief.... who by the concept would die in the first battle since it would be impossible to have your primary defense be avoiding being hit or being seen by virtue of the system.
Do you see what I mean yet?
Forget it. I can't handle that as a GM creating PCs. It... gets to me.... I shouldn't let it, but the way I play - GMing or being a PC - it would get to me no matter what.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 21:34
Yes, I'm going to start to try to use this thing again. Lets see....
My life sucks right now. I can't really do much about that though. I can't find a job (just like I predicted) that is suited towards me, I have next to nothing in money and I'm going to hit the largest book bill I've ever had next semester by my guess. I make nothing on this site.. heck, I lose money on the site (even if I put up banner ads I'd still lose money).
I'm losing friends.
I'm losing family (as they seem to keep dying...).
I'm stuck at home doing nothing.
My physical health is somewhere between "crappy" and "ye gods how are you still standing".
My mental health is, and always will be, insane. :)
I can't seem to do anything right other then help people... mind you, I love helping people and all.... but I won't be able to do that much if I don't end up with a job to pay for my books.
Nothing seems to go right for me lately. Heck, just this week I ended up with YET ANOTHER unexpected expense - the 100 USD shipping fee to send my monitor back the manufacturer since the backlight died. That is 100 USD that I don't really have.
Right now, I couldn't afford airline tickets to home and/or dorm and back - let alone anything else or anything to keep me occupied as I do NEXT TO NOTHING all day long.
Oddly enough, I'm not really depressed. Disappointed, yes. Depressed, no. If this was me five years ago, I'd be incredibly depressed. Right now I'm just disappointed (and somewhat angry at the world if you read my post below).
I'm finally running out of things to play. Planescape: Torment has been a good game to me as of late actually. Never played the game until last week after I posted a recommendation topic to some people. Got some nice answers back - those are people that are friendly.
FFRPG is burning me out. More on this in the above/next blog post.
I really need to play some other system. Badly. Not to be a DM/GM/EM/ST/Ooglydoo... just to play. I don't mind *Ming sometimes... just I can't do it every week.
I'm running out of ideas for TVH. Quite literally. I haven't been feeling well enough lately to do any more of the main guide, I'm not creative when it comes to web design (the pinnacle of creativity that I've done online is TVH's logo if that gives you any impression). I need to create a box for all of the hosted sites for TVH - personal site's hits have plummetted in comparison to screenshots.vh and www.vh.
I'm removing openbb June 30th. It needs to go.
Post activity on the boards dropped. Again. Not surprising really. I don't really mind that much either.
Last semester I had a 3.0. Semester before I had a 3.5. Works for me! :)
Currently planning on going for two degrees... or maybe even leaving TriState to go to a college for a political science degree and go into politics. Maybe even a pre-law degree, pass the bar, and start fighting all of the crappy legislation that goes through the US congress that makes Congress seem like they are sticking their heads up their butts and buring themselves in the Gobi Desert. In any case... definitly not a good time to enter the "real world" as it is phrased.
Sometimes I wish this was the Matrix. Then I can at least blame this crappy world on someone else. Too bad I know that it isn't.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:59
... why are people so inconsiderate?
I've come to the conclusion that the reason why Florida has such horrible driving is actually because the people are generally inconsiderate.
and downright rude.
They do not care for the others on the road, on the sidewalk, or even in the store you are in.
This isn't just a Florida thing, this is happening everywhere around the world all at once.
What is the cause of this?
Why is it that when I do a kind act, I get looked at incredibly strangely and asked if I am a con artist?
at one time I had attributed that to reverse age discrimination - and to a large extent this is still true.
but I do not believe that is all. People are untrusting because of the general mentality that you have to be untrusting.
I live in an area where if you don't have bars on the windows people think you are crazy.
Somewhat recently they repealed the law that required environmental regulations that required inspections of a vehicle's exhaust. People rejoiced all over Florida... why? "Now I don't have to wait in line once per year!"
They repealed an environmental regulation that was barely even inconveniencing, incredibly low cost, and was working.
under that system Florida went from low air quality on average to very high air quality.
and now it is deteriorating again because of people not caring.
Florida has more 4x4 vehicles then almost anywhere else in North America... yet unless you happen to be in the swamps it is one of the places that need it the LEAST based on terrain. Why do people have all of these vehicles with it? "Oh, I didn't notice. I don't care. This car looks pretty and makes me look cool."
I get called in the late afternoon from telemarketers.
They contact me about being a home owner and wanting a home owner's credit card. The fact that I'm not a home owner seems to not phase them - the companies simply don't even care enough to pay attention to the facts.
On top of this, the telemarketer ignores everything I say and talks right through what I'm saying, blatantly disregarding common curtesy. Why? "It is proven that people don't want to interrupt others, so they won't interrupt the telemarketer so they get across the message."
Corporations have tried to control people and push their lines of "ethics only if required" for dozens if not hundreds of years now. However, it seems that the people as a whole stopped caring and let them win.
Kids are being raised by their consumerist parents who the parents themselves do not care about much of anything - why should the kids?
Parental responsibilities are put off to devices and machines meant to seperate you from your children. This is yet another example of not caring. I should feel proud that I actually have a parental unit that cares - and cares a lot about a lot of things.
I go every year to a place where the not caring concept has not reached nearly as devastatingly as it has at home - my University area.
Even there though signs start showing of it...
People driving down the road, tossing their garbage out the window. Why? They don't care. Not their land that they are littering on, and not their future they are screwing over.
People creating mass spam servers just to make a small amount of money. Why? They don't care. Not their fault that you decide to be somewhat trusting, right? Oh, wait, that's right, you are stupid for letting them access your email!
People in the grocery store knocking into your cart directly? Yep, they don't care either. You are in their way, so they have the right to knock your cart out of the way violently, right?
People seem to want the easy way out of everything - not the right way out of everything... and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that I care - and noone else does.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:26
You know, I accomplished NOTHING I meant to do today.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:58
Wheee! I'm doing NOTHING today, and I love it!
Things to do tomorrow:
Take pictures of Melaluca Trees in bloom (people back at dorm don't believe me when I describe them... EVIL!).
Take pictures of Dusty.
Play Tactics Ogre.
Play Advance Wars.
Update Keen4 walkthrough (yes, I'm finally updating it again. :P).
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:00
Thought I'd post myself a link that I think everyone else might like... the Astronomy Picture of the Day.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:46
Long time no post! I kinda constantly forget about this thing...
So... lets see now...
College (Grade: 10/10; Everything else: 2/10):
Grade wise I'm doing great.
Money wise, I'm flunking out bigtime. SnailMail losing my loan application, co-borrowers being denied, and racing against the clock... it sucks! I don't even have my schedule for next semester yet, and I only have 10 days left until I go back! BLARGH!
Well, I no longer work for an antivirus company, and I'm back at college (see above). Bleh. Too bad I need money right now...
Well, over the summer I have now learned all that I have ever cared to know about Network Administration... hell, I know more then many SysAdmins now (not most... just many). Bleh.
How useful is someone that is a Jack of all Computer Trades if they don't have the incredibly stupid amount of "on the job experience" required for many jobs, yet have more knowledge and personality then almost all of the other drones in the jobs now? That isn't exactly a great career outlook... I wonder if TechTV would be willing to hire someone that would telecommute to work, yet can answer most ts questions...
Lovely. I'm a CS major like all of the other hundreds of thousands of them. I come from the US with a high standard of living climate (Florida), meaning it is a LOT harder for me to be hired. I don't like working 14 hour days, Programming can get boring at times, and I'm a gamer. Ye gods, noone will ever hire me, will they?
Personal Computers (9/10)
Alpha (P3-850, 768M of RAM, 120 GB total HD space) is now running fine ever since I removed that stupid floppy drive... hasn't even crashed yet! I can't win, can I? Too bad I think the Monitor is starting to go. Oh well, after working over the summer (assuming I even GET a job...) maybe I'll buy Alpha a 15" LCD.
Omega (P4-2.26, 1G of RAM, 240 GB total HD space) is working like a dream. Absolutely nothing wrong with her whatsoever. No more quirks (except in Visual C++ and Borland Builder), no more odd occurances... just working the way computers are supposed to do.
No, I'm not getting a 'girlfriend' as they are known as. I'm just basically here. Yes, there is someone that I love, but.... oh, nevermind, it is too complicated to explain. This is more about the friendship relationships I have.
... which are growing further and further apart. I'm down to contact with two people from my old HS now, and I think that I'm losing both of them as friends... yet all of my friends from JIL meant a lot to me, and it hurts to see them spread apart. I know it is for the better and all, and that they have to grow their wings just like I am, but still... it hurts. I miss them. I miss seeing smiles in the hallways of people that I have known for three, four, five, even some of them up to ten years now... gone. Even if I wouldn't have gone to a university that is so far away, they would still be gone.
Most of those that graduated with me have already dropped out. I'm one of the survivors as it stands... factor in my proximity from home and not being in touch with my friends still at HS, and that equates in to losing almost all of my friends to the wind...
Yes, I have new friendships. Some of which I never want to see broken, but still... I guess I want to have everything.
Up until the past month or so, this would have been a 10. I felt great, nothing could stand in my way... then I started realizing what I had lost in friends... and the loan situation... now I'm more sad. Grant it, I was never been this happy in High School, but then again I was vastly more emotionless in HS. I had to be. Sometimes I wish I would go back to that, but I can't... not anymore. I must go forward, one way or another.
I'm just as stubborn as I always was and always will be. :)
I guess not too bad... still a C- though. I don't like Cs.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:18
My lack of networking knowledge is starting to catch up with me it feels like... and that sucks! I know quite a bit about networking now... but I feel like I know diddlysquat compared to a lot of people..
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 20:31
Well, #aspoonedroom reminded me today that I actually DO have this thing.
*sigh* It has been a long year.
In the past year, I have gone from someone just barely poking through their shell to someone that has now almost achieved downright rebelling independence (well, rebelling for any family other then mine). I have gone from being the most well known person that existed in their highschool, to being someone that is somewhat known in college, yet I feel like it is a much more positive knowledge that is shared around me.
I love it in college. I think that this may be the first time in a very long time that I can honestly say that I didn't want to go on summer break - I did not want a break from learning. I constantly yearn for more info.. I hunger for knowledge, and I consume it all. However, when I am on break, I have no way of enlightening my already starving mind.
I feel trapped. Yes, I know I need money in order for me to have more equipment at college, but still.. I am like a caged animal at this point.
Out of curiosity... how many of you are there that read this? E-Mail me @ webmaster [Little @ symbol thingy] vandaliersheart.com.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 18:57
... something is wrong.
No, I'm not going to die.
No, I do not really know what is wrong even.
I just know something is wrong. Something just.. doesn't feel right. I can't put my finger on it though.
I know I've been feeling like crap on a clothesline lately, and not just from being sick - I feel like I have become more distant from all of my friends (online and offline), slowly extinguishing somewhat longterm relationships as I move on in college.
I do not want this to happen. I liked my old friends, and I like my new friends as well. Why will I not let myself keep both?
I am a couple thousand kilometers from home. As I have said before, I'm 30 kilometers east of the Middle of Nowhere. At the same time though, I'm not lonely. Far from, I have most likely never associated with this many people at the same time in my entire life... but at the same time I feel alone.
I don't have someone yelling "aetherspork!" in the halls constantly near me.
I don't have someone constantly hugging my leg.
I don't have someone speaking in perfect 1337 to me (no matter how odd that sounds).
I don't have someone that I can speak perfectly honest with at all times.
I don't have someone that I can trust with my deepest darkest secrets (like I have any...).
... in short, I don't have trust. I have nothing that I can rely upon for things to be the same, or even similar. My life is rather dynamic at the moment, with everything constantly changing every day. Soon I shall have survived my first year through a college, knowing that I still have friends, but yet... nothing is the same. I barely have any reminents of my old life anymore. Heck, I hardly even look the same now - I've lost quite a bit of weight as well as some increased muscles (relative to me of course). Finally, my friends are different. Yes, time should progress and all, and there is nothing that I can do about it, but still... I also want the old me here AS WELL. Why shouldn't I be able to keep both the old and new me?
In short, I'm not homesick, I'm friendsick.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 15:25
Bah. I think I have finally found the CD I can't find.
Err... let me rephrase.
As anyone reading this most likely knows, I have more MP3s then the gods themselves... I'm clocking over 11000 now, and this is almost all VGame Music.
However, I believe that there is one CD that I can't find in MP3- the Slayers Try Treasure Voxes.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 19:17
Well, I'm kinda bored... I guess that happens living 30 kilometers east of the Middle of Nowhere.
Ah well, I accomplished what I wanted to- finished the 4th battle.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 13:52
Alone, I must return to the depths of the void.
Alone, must I seek throughout life, with nary a lantern.
Alone, I must journey through the dark sphere.
Alone, must I seek that light, that eternal spark.
Alone, must the spark shine. Then, I shall never be alone.
-?ther SPOON!, ©2002
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 18:44
What do these three things have in common? They are all derivatives of the same operating system- Unix.
BSD is so different from Unix now it isn't even funny. DOS has gone the way of the dodo, sad as it is for me to say. Linux is rather similar to Unix in comparison to BSD or even DOS, so my *x definition extends to Unix and Linux only in this case.
Anyways, my rantishness.
What is good about Linux? Why is everyone abuzz about how stable it is? To be honest, I do not see that. At work (where I am now), I run two (well... two at one time I should say) Linux machines- one running Red Hat, one running SuSe, both x86. I also have three Solaris Unix machines- one UltraSparc, one Sparc, and one x86.
I crash things. It is a fact of life. If a toaster had a CPU in it, I'd crash it. To this date, I have never came in contact with an OS I could not crash.. My nickname at work is the Walking EMP, as one time I've walked down a cubicle hall and crashed every machine on it (so they say). Anyways, I've been told that Linux is "as close as they come to crash proof".
Just today, I was trying to test definition (Virus Definintion) files on the RedHat machine.
"Gnome has performed an illegal operation." an error message read as I tried to access the newly mounted floppy.
"What the hell? I thought I got away from this by not using 9x! Stupid GUIs, I'll show you!" I said as I stormed off back to my cube, opting to use my SuSE machine instead, which does not have a GUI loaded at all.
After partially testing, another little "wonder" of Linux appeared.
"Segmentation Fault." the command line said.
"CRAP!" I exclaimed as I walked off, fustrated.
Crash proof does not mean anything when 2 different Linux machines mess up on the same day, same hour, 5 minutes within each other. Heck, the ME hard drive on the SuSE Linux machine doesn't even crash once every 10 minutes!
"Ha." I say to those who claim it is crash proof.
"Solaris is a much better OS, try that!" a developer says.
"Fine..." as I put in the Solaris x86 HD on the P166 next to me.
... 5 minutes later, after it loads, I can finally use the machine... if only the stupid floppy would ever mount, for this Solaris machine HATES mounting floppies.
Why SHOULD floppies be mounted, anyways? It is a manual eject, not a digital one. You cannot tell a machine to eject the floppy*.
"Bah to that." I say. "I'll go use the UltraSparc."
*NOTE: The standard Sparc I have actually DOES do that. In that case, I understand needing to mount a floppy.
I go to use the UltraSparc, when I realize it isn't plugged in- the Sparc is instead. I go to use that, when I realize that the file manager refuses to run. It never runs on this machine. In fact, it doesn't run on the UltraSparc either...
... then it dawns on me- it is reminding me completely of OS/2. Heck, it even looks like Windows 3.x, or the OS2-Windows that is inside of OS/2. I can never get the stupid thing to ever run on the OS/2 machine, I doubt I could get it on either of the Sparcs.
I move to the old DOS machine in the back. Nice, old, steady 486 DX 2/66.
"Ahh... much better."
Then I realize that the floppy disk, the one that I was using for the longest time, had died waiting for me to use it. BAH!
Seems that the Sparc, while trying to mount it on the console, decided that it wasn't a real diskette anymore and wasted it.
Games. Games are one of the most common uses of a computer. How many games are there for Windows? Too many to count. From Quake 3, to Alpha Centauri, to THPS3, to infinity and beyond, there are literally thousands of games for Windows- almost as many now as there are for DOS. How many for Linux? Well... retail games wise.... 10? 15? Don't even try Unix on games...
Have you ever needed to recompile the NT kernal before? Didn't think so. :)
Yes, *x has its uses. Linux is great for developing commandline tools, or *x tools. Linux is also great for developing commandline-like functions inside of Windows programs. Unix is great for Engineers, and for people who do not need to have anything other then a standard workstation. Linux is free, so many people wanting to stick it to Microsoft legally can just run that. I don't know, maybe I'm just a disallusioned computer geek, but I think I'll stick with the NT Kernal. If you believe you can convince me otherwise, I invite you to do it. Please in fact, I would not mind running Linux if it didn't crash on me more then a ME install on the same machine. Solaris is an incredibly nice feeling OS on a Sparc, but that is a completely different OS.
Linux has its uses (develpment, free).
Unix has its uses (Engineers, pure workstations).
Macs have their uses (Graphics, fishtanks).
Windows has its uses (Games, common every day usage).
I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: Never say one OS is better then another (I'm not talking about 98 being better then 95, I'm talking about Linux > Unix or something), unless you say why. So far, no one has proved me why Linux is better then, lets say, Windows 2000 (OTHER then the price).
Disclaimer: The way I linked these stories in the Stability example isn't all that true- the Solaris troubles were actually the Friday before, but the timing on the 2 Linux ones was exact. Also, this is not a troll, flame, or anything like that.
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 17:55
Well, it's been a rather small grand opening, but not that much went wrong, so I guess it could have been much worse...
TVH Boards now has quite a few new faces, new people to say hi to.
That is all I could really ask.
I just wish I could figure out why this never worked before, or maybe even fix some of the bugs I have now.
Ho hum... I'm bored... maybe some Everquest? Nah, that is boring too... I'm kinda bored with Alpha Centauri.
I guess I could go play Civ 3...
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 12:28
It worked! YAY!
-Ęther SPOON!, posted at 19:36
You may want to go back to the page that you came from at this point...